Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket