4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “