Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
It was worth a shot 😂
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Schrödinger’s cookie
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
How I like cutting carbs
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT