Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
B
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave