[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.