How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Pickled cat.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June