No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
There’s never enough good news
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.