No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*
Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?
Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend