No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

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I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework


It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.


When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.


I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.


My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”


Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.


Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.