No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Discuss
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
my proudest tweet
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.