@RickAaron

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

You Might Also Like

@jojipaints

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

@felixoshea

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

@joeljeffrey

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

@a_simpl_man

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@sunexplode

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

@BDGarp

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.