Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Still cracks me up
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.