“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
You Might Also Like
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me