I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Got ya covered
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Every work call, he judges.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
New mindset, who dis?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]