My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Tuesday
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
(Gaming support cat.)
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”