When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
<—- homeless romantic
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.