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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
another case of gang violins
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
cats when you pet them too long:
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table