9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I can’t stop laughing at this
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Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”