*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*


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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.


Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.


I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.


I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house


Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁


[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.


Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.


*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*