@AndyAsAdjective

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

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@amburgklur

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

@Kyle_Lippert

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

@TrueTorontoGirl

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

@dfaber84

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

@CulturedRuffian

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

@notmythirdrodeo

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

@Shade510

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

@AimeeHelene1

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*