*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
You Might Also Like
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
new record!
Truth
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?