@amburgklur The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
@AndyAsAdjective *bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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@amburgklur 
@Kyle_Lippert Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
@TrueTorontoGirl I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
@dfaber84 I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
@CulturedRuffian Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
@dadmann_walking me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
@notmythirdrodeo [opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
@Shade510 Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
@MsTexas1967 Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
@AimeeHelene1 *rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*