Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room