I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”