[loses house key, starts a new life]
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*