I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
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Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me :
All Day At Night
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win