Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.