Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.