A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Goodnight 🐶
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
…żyje?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
new record!
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.