A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
This squirrel eats better than I do
handsome & gretel
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet