her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.