[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
You Might Also Like
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”