Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.