The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me