2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’m not lazy
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.