Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I have so many questions.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.