Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.