The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
You Might Also Like
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Bit chilly again tonight.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
S/o to @funTweeters .