A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Great acting.. 😂
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?