When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Noah
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots