went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.