A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
🤣could you imagine
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.