To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.