To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”