I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?


My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.


When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.


For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.


Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.


toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets


I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.


Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?


Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.