I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor