@iRowlf

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

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@clichedout

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

@KentWGraham

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

@TurtleSprints

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

@AliMaadelat

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

@TheWadest

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

@Jarhead44

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

@OtherDanOBrien

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

@sharpular

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.