“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
You Might Also Like
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
True
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
#Caturday
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*