Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*