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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Monday?
No. Next question.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Chemical wingman
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*