{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”