Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.