[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.