Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses