Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
🤣🤣💀
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.