Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.