Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature