Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.