Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
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I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.