Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
You Might Also Like
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight