I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
What my back needs
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!