It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
S O O N
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“no gods no masters” = leo
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy